Chapter 33
"If I don't leave now, I might never be able to."
"If I don't leave now, I might never be able to."
Had he heard her? Khushi wondered over the next few days? If Arnav had heard her, he gave no clue, no sign of having heard her. Or worse, no sign of wanting to change her mind about leaving.
She bit her lip and shook herself mentally. "It's a job, just a job,' she told herself again, and then again more firmly, as though by repeating it to herself, she would be able to accept it better. 'It will get over soon. And if I'm here to do a job, I need to do it to the best of my ability. Arnav isn't in a hurry for me to leave, but I have to be true to my own conscience. I can't stay here for longer than I need to, just because I want to.'
A few days later, it was the senior Mr. Raizada's birthday. The previous year, it had been barely a couple of months after the tragedy, and the day had been shrouded in a pall of gloom. Mr. Raizada himself had spent it locked in his room, Shantitai told Khushi sorrowfully, almost unable to bear the first birthday without his beloved wife to celebrate it by his side. And his two sons had been too sunk in their own grief to lift their father's spirits, or even notice the date more than cursorily.
But this year will be different, Khushi told Shantitai, and the older woman agreed. Life had to go on. And a birthday was a good day to start.
A small celebration, Khushi decided. Just for the family. The first celebration after the triple tragedy, it would be an emotional moment for the family, and she wasn't sure how Mr. Raizada or the two younger men would react. It would be best to keep it completely private. She thought of asking Arnav's opinion, but Shantitai advised against it. Let it be a surprise for both the boys too, she told Khushi. Heaven knows, they need a happy surprise in their lives.
However Shantitai did agree to enlist Shivi's help, much to Khushi's relief. She wouldn't have wanted to go against the older lady's wishes, and it was good to know that Shantitai had not only noticed Shivi's growing closeness with Akash, but also approved of it.
Shivi was reluctant at first. She was still embarrassed after the scene in the garden, and it took all of Khushi's persuasive powers to change her mind. "Do it for me," Khushi pleaded, and Shivi could not say no.
On Mr. Raizada's birthday, they all wished him in the morning, and the old man accepted their wishes with smiles. Khushi was relieved that he seemed cheerful enough, and that encouraged her to go ahead with her plan for the evening.
They waited till Arnav and Akash came back from office, then sent Radhika to call her grandfather for tea. She went prancing into his room, filled with pride at being part of the secret even her uncles didn't know about.
When she helped her grandfather wheel himself into the room, all three men, father and sons stared in astonishment. The drawing room had been decorated with flowers and streamers. There was a table in the center of the room, with a cake on it.
Khushi and Shivi went up to Mr. Raizada, and helped Radhika wheel him in up to the table. Khushi lighted the candle on the cake, and Shivi held the knife.
"This is the first day of the rest of your life," said Khushi, softly. "You still have a lot to look forward to. We …" she looked at Shivi, and smiled, "… we all hope that there is still much happiness to come in your life, and the ones who are no longer here, are sharing it from wherever they are, and smiling with you. So you must smile, Papaji. You must smile again."
And he did. Through his tears, the old man held out his hands to his sons, who were as stunned as he was, and held them close. After over a year, the three men shared tears again, but this time, of happiness. The three men held the knife, and cut the cake together ... none of them tried to hide their tears. Then still holding them close, he beckoned the two girls. They bent to him, and he gently placed his hand on Khushi's head in silent blessing. She smiled at him through moist eyes.
"Thank you," she said softly.
Mr. Raizada looked at his sons.
"Your mother …" the old man began, "… always wanted a daughter. She used to say, that my sons are wonderful, but the love and affection of a daughter, is unimaginable and limitless. So I used to tell her – well, wait a few years and we’ll have not one, but three daughters. And what's more, they'll come to you, and you won't have to give them away, for they'll marry your sons, and belong to this house for always. When Poonam came into this house, I realised that your mother was right, for the love that Poonam gave us, was something beyond our experience. And then we got our Radhika, and that was even more precious, the first daughter of this house in three generations. After the accident …" the firm voice faltered slightly, then went on again, "I thought that while my body survived, my soul had died with her, and I could only wait for death to come to me, and re-unite me with my beloved wife, with Ajay and his Poonam, the daughter she had wanted so much. But I had forgotten, in my pain of losing one son, that I still had two more, that I still had my Radhika, and that I could still look forward to the love of two more daughters."
He held his sons’ hands, one in each of his.
“Arnav,” he began. “You’ve kept me going, you’ve kept all of us going. You’ve fought so hard to bring us out of our sorrow, to remind us that we still have so much to live for. I was so sunk in my grief that I just wanted to give up … but you – you never gave up. You fought with us, for us. And you did the best thing for this house that you could ever have done. You brought …”
He turned to Khushi. "You brought this girl. Khushi, my dearest child, I don’t know what to say to you. You're truly the embodiment of your name. You've brought happiness back into this house, my dear girl. You've brought light, and laughter, and love with you, and I can only pray, that what you have brought to all of us, God give you back a hundred-fold."
Khushi smiled tremulously, her cheeks damp. Arnav looked at her, and she could see the emotion in his face, his eyes as they met hers.
Mr. Raizada turned to Akash and Shivi. "Akash … my youngest … always the baby of this house … you have grown so much. This tragedy took away so much, but it made a man out of you. I can see you standing shoulder to shoulder with your brother now … being his strength, his support, his friend – the way Ajay was. I’m so proud of you. And Shivi, I’ve seen you help Akash, be there for him … you have been much more than a friend to him and it’s my fond hope that this silly fellow …” he smiled fondly at Akash, “sees that soon.”
Shivi looked at him, her face changing, and then at Akash.
Akash stopped smiling. He looked steadily at Shivi, and her eyes fell. Then she looked at him again, and her eyes were clear, bright. She looked at his father.
"I hope, uncle," she said, softly, "that what I have learnt from Khushi, I remember wherever I go. She has taught me a lot. This house, this family ... you've all taught me a lot, about love, about family, about being together, about being there for each other, through good times and bad."
He nodded, smiling. The servants brought the food, and they all ate together. And everybody pretended not to notice when after some time, Akash and Shivi were not in the room any more.
They walked in the garden. The night was bright and clear, with wisps of clouds dotting the dark sky. A soft breeze stirred the leaves, and the rustling sound mixed with the chirping of crickets.
Akash walked down the path. After the look he had given Shivi, he hadn't looked at her again, when she had followed him quietly out of the room into the lawns. He walked, brooding, and she waited. This was her last attempt, she had warned Khushi. She had her pride, she told Khushi. If he didn't want her, she would leave.
He looked at her at last.
"I didn't know Dad was so fond of you," he commented.
"It's mutual," she murmured, staring at the leaves she held in her hand.
He looked at her, then looked away.
"Your sister went away," he said suddenly. "Lavanya went away, when Arnav bhai needed her. I haven't forgiven her for that. Not entirely."
She smiled. "I thought you would have, by now," she commented, and he arched an enquiring brow at her.
"If she hadn't gone away, Khushi would not have come here."
He smiled at that. Then he looked at her again. "Do you resent Khushi bhabhi for that? For being here?"
Shivi shook her head.
"I did at first," she admitted. Then with spirit, she added, "But then, so did you, Akash. But now, I know. Lavanya di would never have fitted in here as well as Khushi bhabhi. She would not have managed you all as well as Khushi bhabhi has. Lavu di's going away seems to have been a blessing in disguise for all of you."
"And for you?" asked Akash, staring intently at Shivi in the dim light.
"I resented her at first," Shivi repeated. "I already told you that. But one can't feel that way about Khushi for too long, can you? She just creeps into your heart. And she's taught me a lot. How to value and cherish love and family, how both can be together, without one hindering the other, without one handicapping the other. She seems to have been born for this house."
He nodded, looking away over the dimly lit lawns. Then he looked back at her.
"And you, Shivi? What are you born for? Have you found your place yet?"
She moved a little ahead of him, and stared out into the distance.
"I thought I had," she said, quietly. "I still don't know."
She looked back at him, and there was a plea in her eyes. He was watching her very steadily, his gaze unwavering.
"Akash," she said, pleadingly. "Why are you doing this? If you don't want me, let me go. Don't …" she caught her breath, "… don't look at me like that. Let me go."
"I'm not holding you," he said, and she gave a laugh, which broke in the middle. She looked down at her hands. The leaves she had been holding were crushed.
"You are holding me, and you don't even know it," she said, desperately. "If you don't want me, let me go, Akash. I can't take this any more. I love you too much. Please, …"
He was close to her then, almost touching her, but not quite. He brought his hands up to her face, and smoothed back the hair from her forehead. She looked up at him, then made to turn away, blindly. He caught her and held her back.
"When I heard what Lavanya said to Arnav," he said, suddenly, his hands gentle on her arms, his thumbs absently caressing her soft flesh, "… about wanting him to go away with her, after all this had happened, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe her, what she was saying. I couldn't believe that this was the girl I wanted my brother to marry - that I was so mistaken in her. That she could feel the way she did. And I thought, that you, her sister, must feel the same way. That for you, too, family was secondary, and you and what you wanted came first. And I couldn't handle that. Before the accident, Ajay was here, both Arnav bhai and I thought of going to America. He wanted to set up the business there, and I wanted to study. But after the accident, there was no question of either of us going away. I thought Lavanya would understand that, none better than her. She had known Ajay, Poonam, Mummy. She had known them cared for them ... or so she said. But she went away ... and she wanted to take Bhai with her. When I knew how she felt, I made up my mind that you were the same. I decided that you too would want to go away sooner or later. I didn't want to take that chance. And in a way, I was punishing you, for what your sister had done."
His hands cupped her face, their touch gentle.
"But you've made me change my mind, haven't you? Over these last weeks, that's what you've been doing. Showing me that in this way, you're nothing like your sister, that you know what I feel, what I want. And that what I want is - you."
The last words were barely breathed into her mouth, before his lips touched hers, softly, gently. Her arms went around his neck as she clung to him, and his kiss firmed, hardened, as they clung together for what seemed like an eternity.
