Kaise yeh Rishtey 5

Chapter 5

The question still echoed in her mind as she got into bed that night. What were they going to do?

She loved Aman, loved him desperately, and he had fallen in love with her. Something she had only dreamed of happening, had actually happened. Aman loved her!

But does he really? A little voice whispered to her. Or does he think he loves you only because you were there for him at a time he was alone and needed someone? He loves his wife. If you were to fade out of sight, he would forget you.

Why should I fade out of sight, she argued with herself. I'm not asking for anything. I know he is tied. He loves his wife. Even if he didn't, there is no way he could leave her now. It would not only be cruel, it would be murder. She would not survive the shock. And he would not do it. He would not be the man I fell in love with, if he did that. And I would not be able to live with myself if he did that.

Then you should stay away from them, the voice warned. If he cannot and will not leave his wife, and you don't even want him to, then there is nothing in the relationship for you.

But I'm not asking for anything, she argued again. Just his love. I don't want to put a name to the relationship. The way we are, is fine. I'm not asking for more. Just to see him a few times in hospital – it’s enough for me.

The voice was inexorable, unrelenting. And when Anjali and the baby go home?

Khushi squeezed her eyes shut, and refused to answer that question. The thought of not seeing Aman everyday, not talking to him, was so unbearable that she could not face it. 

I'll think about that when it happens, she decided weakly. When it ends, it will end. Let me not think about that now.

                                    *******      ************     *******

The next few weeks for Khushi were some of the happiest she had known. It was as though acknowledging his feelings for her, had broken some sort of a barrier in Aman's mind. He sought her out actively, took her to the hospital café for lunch, and spent more and more time with her. As Anjali improved, as their tiny baby became stronger, Aman's and Khushi's meetings became more frequent, the tension and the urgency in the air more apparent.

One evening, she came back to Anjali's ward for her usual evening visit, to find Anjali in a chirpy mood, and Aman quiet.

"I'm being discharged tomorrow," Anjali told Khushi happily. "Now I have to go for my fittings and physio from home. And, oh, Khushi, the baby's coming home in a week or so. The doctor said she's been gaining weight well the last week, and maybe, by next week, we can take her home. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed. She will be all right now, won't she, Khushi?"

"Yes," replied Khushi with an effort. She looked at the other girl, and smiled. "You've done it, you brave girl. Congratulations! You're finally going home, with your baby."

"Three months in hospital," sighed Anjali. "I can't believe it. Well, I hope I don't have to come to this place again in a hurry."

Khushi smiled again, and hugged the other girl, not looking at Aman.

"You're late today, aren't you?" asked Anjali. "You're usually off home by now."

Khushi nodded. "I had some last minute cases, so I got late. I'll be off now, Anjali, and I may not see you tomorrow. All the best, and come and see me sometime when you get your new leg."

Anjali smiled. "I will." She smiled suddenly. "Do you know why I love talking to you, Khushi? You've seen it all, you take it so matter of factly ... you don't shower me with sympathy or pity. You make me feel this is all in a day's work, something I can do easily. And talking to you, I feel that it is ... that it will be easy ... that I can do it."

Khushi smiled warmly at Anjali, genuine affection in her eyes.

"Yes, you can," she said softly but firmly. "You can, and you will ... because you're one of the bravest girls I know. It's not easy, Anjali. It never was, and it may not be. But you can do it, and you will. I don't show you pity because I don't feel it. I feel admiration. I admire and respect you for how you've dealt with all that happened, and I know you'll deal with everything else the same way."

Anjali smiled back, and sent a loving glance towards the silent Aman.

"I didn't do it alone," she said softly. "I had Aman with me every step of the way. I couldn't have done it without him. And without you," she added, turning to Khushi again.

Khushi smiled back, but it was with an effort. Her heart was thumping hard inside her chest, and she was surprised neither of the two she was talking to, could hear it. A darkness hovered around her head, at the thought of not seeing Aman again.

She had known this day would come ... she had always known. She had thought she was prepared, but when it was almost on her, she wasn't sure that she was. At all. 

She smiled back at Anjali again. 

"Yes," she said. "Aman was with you every step of the way. You're a very lucky girl. And now you have your baby girl with you too. They both will keep you going."

Anjali smiled eagerly, her face glowing at the mention of her beloved daughter. 

"I know I am," she said. "Very lucky. Aman is the best husband in the world. I couldn't have done it without him."

She smiled and Aman, and he smiled back uncertainly. For a moment they were lost in each other, and Khushi felt hollow inside. She wanted to look away, but she forced herself to continue looking at the couple. This was reality, she reminded herself savagely, this was real. They were a couple. She was an outsider, and she always had been. Her dreams were just that - dreams. The sooner she woke up, the better it would be for her.

Anjali broke their bubble first, ash she looked away from Aman, smiling still. "Aman, it's getting dark. Can you drop Khushi home? She can’t go alone at this time."

Aman nodded. "I'll do that, love. You sleep now. You'll have a long day tomorrow."

They left the ward, leaving the excited girl in bed. Neither Aman nor Khushi said a word, as he escorted her to the car, closed the doors, and drove off.

He turned off onto a small, deserted lane, and parked a little way along it. He stopped the car, and turned to her.

She looked at him, and then she was in his arms. He held her fiercely, his hands going feverishly over her body, her face, his lips moving over her neck, her cheeks, her forehead. She clung to him, her hands curled in his hair. Then they both drew back, and looked at each other.

Aman spoke first.

"I have to see you," he said, fiercely. "Khushi, please. I have to keep seeing you. Anjali will never know. I promise. Nothing more. Just meet me sometimes. I need you, Khushi."

Khushi looked at him desperately. "Aman, no! You can't do that to Anjali. She needs you now, more than ever. And now your aunt has come to stay with you, too. Aman, it's not possible."

"You mean you don't want to see me any more," he said, bleakly and looked away from her. She turned his head to face her.

"And what if that's true?" she asked evenly. "Aman, what good will it be, us meeting like this? You can never leave Anjali, even if you want to. Which you don't. You love her, Aman. You know you do. It's not fair to her, if you and I meet secretly."

"I love her," he said heavily. "But that love of a man for a woman… it's not that any more. It's like the love of a parent for a child. I love her, and I want to take care of her. It's you I need to share my life, my joys and sorrows, my ups and downs. It's you I want in my arms, to hold and to love…."

"Please!" Khushi was pale. "Aman, don't do this to me. I'm trying to be sensible about this. There is no future for us, there never was. This was a dream, and it had to break. What's the point in prolonging this? It will only make it worse. We cannot see each other any more, Aman. We have to stop, Aman, you know we have to stop."

"Can you, for once, just once, not be sensible?" he asked, savagely. "Just once, do what your heart tells you to do. Forget your damned self-reliance for once, and allow yourself to feel, to follow your feelings. If it's worse later, we'll face it later. Let's have a few moments of happiness while we can. Just meet me when I come to the hospital with her. She has to come for her physio, for the baby. Just meet me then, that's all I'm asking. Please, Khushi!"

And helplessly, Khushi agreed. The thought of never seeing Aman again, of going back to that lonely, loveless existence was almost impossible to contemplate. Just for a few more weeks, she told herself weakly, as he took her into his arms again. Once Anjali is back to normal, he won’t need me any more. He won't want me then, he'll stop loving me, and I’ll stop seeing him, I really will. Just a little longer. And she ignored the little voice at the back of her mind telling her to back away, stay away from him.

Vaguely she wondered how she was so sure Aman's feelings would not last. Why was she so sure about the end of this relationship, whatever it was?

Maybe she herself was the problem, she thought sadly. She had lost faith in love, deep, everlasting love. Maybe she never had faith in love. She had never really seen true love in her life ... neither love between parents, nor between parents and child ... she had never seen tenderness, warmth, affection from close quarters, never experienced it for as long as she could remember. Her father told her that her mother had loved her deeply, but Khushi did not even remember her mother. Neither could she remember any close moments between her parents - her mother had died when she was too young for her to have any memories of her. And neither her father nor her brother were affectionate or gentle, either towards her or even towards each other. This relationship – whatever it was – was the first time she had experienced any tenderness in her life, and she wasn’t willing to give it up so soon. But how was it, she thought wonderingly, that even while in his arms, with his lips on hers, she could think dispassionately about the end of their relationship?

Khushi remembered what she had told Aman once. That she seemed to have lost the ability to experience any feelings deeply.

"Maybe that's what my problem is," she thought, as they silently drove home. "Maybe I need to experience heartbreak, to break out of this cocoon I've built around myself. And heartbreak will come, as sure as night follows day. For Aman will never leave Anjali. Even if he wants to, I won't let him. I can't let him. I can't build my own dreams on the ruins of somebody else's home. I can't do that.”

Anyway, the relationship was seemingly headed nowhere, so Khushi decided to take the few crumbs of happiness in her fate, and not fight them off. Despite all her misgivings, she agreed to continue meeting Aman.